There was a post on this community I follow over at LJ that really struck something in me. The original poster was speaking about how unhappy they were as a female--to the point of having suicidal thoughts--but couldn't reconcile the idea of being male, either. They were hurt and confused as to what they were.
A comment from a sympathetic anonymous poster ended with this line:
"Sometimes, I kinda think... what if I was male. But no, it doesn't feel right, either. And why the fuck does this binary have to exists, who the fuck benefits from it?"
I'm not sure what I have to say about this, because the truth is that I don't know either.
But it has gotten me thinking about where I am. Which...is a very strange point. A few weeks ago, I was absolutely distraught over how long my hair was getting and with how girly it was making me look. The funny thing is that it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal if it hadn't been right at Christmas time, and as such, both of my grandmothers, upon visiting them, commented on how happy they were that my hair was getting all long and pretty again. My immediate response was to say that I hated it and needed to go in for a haircut. The haircut didn't happen, but I finally decided I'd had enough one night and cut a couple of inches off of it in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Mind you, it's not the first time I'd cut my own hair. But this was different. This wasn't, "my bangs are getting too long, I'd better trim this mess up", it was "I have to get rid of this marker of femininity right the fuck now". (Of course, my hair is naturally curly, which sucks because the shorter it gets, the more it curls up.) I ended up doing a pretty bad job on it, just because it was such an impassioned act. But I felt so much better after the fact.
The strange thing is, I'm going through another feminine cycle right now, and I'm starting to wish my hair was long again--really long, like it was back freshman year, when it was still down to my waist and I'd wear it braided every day. I am kind of starting to miss that. And I pretty much know that my hair is never going to get that long again, because I'll get angry at it again sometime in the next few months and cut it above my shoulders again.
Why is hair length such a marker of the male/female dichotomy? It shouldn't be. Plenty of girls have short hair, and plenty of guys have long hair. Some of the most feminine girls I know have their hair cropped extremely short. Of course, at that point, it becomes a rather coquettish thing--which kind of makes me uncomfortable too, the idea that a guy can grow his hair long and not be treated as if he's gay or girly, but a girl cuts her hair short, and depending on the style, she's either treated as being cute (in a childish way) or as being a lesbian.
The binary is mostly unbeneficial because it leads to such horrible double-standards, and even more because we can't just be people. God forbid a guy should like to sew, or a girl should like football. Even our hobbies are gendered! What's wrong with this world that people can't just like what they like and do what they do and everyone else can get over it without passing judgement?
But the binary exists because society likes having neat little categories to put everyone in. Society doesn't do well when presented with grey areas.
I think this is part of the reason I've become slightly obsessed with gender-neutral names. I look like a girl, so if I chose to change my name, I could probably get away with taking a male name and be androgynous on that basis. It would actually probably do more to confuse people than taking a name that could commonly be used as a girl name. My name...at one point in history, my name was a boy's name, but no one has used it that way for better than a hundred years. If I were interested in transitioning, I'd probably keep my name for this very reason. As it stands, I'm developing quite the interest in various gender-neutral names, and I'm thinking about taking one when I get to grad school.
This might be why I'm planning on leaving--and by 'leaving', I mean going to another state. I'd love a chance to start over. I wasn't comfortable enough in who I was when I was a freshman to change my identity back then, and now that I'm a senior, too many people and professors know me for me to easily go into a classroom at the beginning of a semester and ask to be called by a different name.
I feel like this is a new age for me, though. Like I'm finally coming into my own. I could have easily named this blog with the username I've been using since I was 13, since it's become something of an alter ego for me anyway, but I wanted something new. So I chose Saturday. There's more to it than that, but for now, that's the important part--I'm Saturday now, because Saturday can be someone new, someone who I've never been before, on the internet or in real life. And Saturday doesn't have to conform to any expectations, because no one has any. I may be required to acknowledge the binary, but I certainly don't have to belong to it.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
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2 comments:
The complexities of gender seem to bother some cultures a lot more than others. We were reading about the "winkte" or "twospirit" people of some native American cultures, members of the community that can harness of the powers of both femininity and masculinity in their one body. They are revered as special, and receiving a special name from a winkte is considered an honor. The concept of two separate genders is completely the opposite of their thinking: both the powers of masculinity and femininity live in each of us, just to different extents. They balance, moderate each other, for if someone were all feminine they would be completely helpless, but if they were all masculine they would be a violent menace to society. So we're not alone in thinking the western concepts of gender are kind of absurd.
Western concepts of gender are weird enough that the United States produces hundreds of professionals of gender history and general studies every year. I may be one of these in the years to come, but I'm far from decided yet.
My point being, these professionals did not arise in response to nothing. These people understand that there is something weird about how we understand gender in the United States, and how it isn't as practical as some other ethnicities or nations seem to approach it. And just because someone doesn't commit to the study of gender doesn't mean that someone can't see its injustices.
I hate to be capitalist, but there is a market for radical histories and ideas of gender. And if there's a market, that means there's a significant enough population who are looking at our gender constructs and saying, "I don't agree with this anymore."
I say all of this because your post seems like it's giving up on change. I think that, as we progress further (especially with science), gender constructs will change even more until they start to fall apart. I don't think we'll ever get rid of the very real differences of sex and gender, but I think that fluidity will more and more be seen as the norm.
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