You Are Here

1. I started a Facebook page under a new name.  A male name.  One that I think I might want to start going by. This lead to a Talk from a friend that kind of left me a little shaky.  She means well.  She always does.  But my experiences are my own, the rest be damned; I hate to be so black and white about it, but if people have a problem with me creating a damn Facebook page under a male name, I really don't need to be friends with them in the first place.  Advice seconded by another friend of mine.  Perhaps these aren't things I should talk about openly, but I'm tired of being afraid and unsure, and all I want is some fucking support, and it hurts when all I get in return is people doing what feels like trying to talk me out of doing all this exploring.

2. Really missing the girl right now.  She's sick in another state and homesick on top of that, and that's making me miss her all the more, because I'm tired of sleeping alone and I want to make her better.  I always want to make her better, though, so that's nothing new.  I just really want someone to cuddle and watch movies or Iron Chef America with right now.  Stupid things like that.

3. Ordered my first binder today.  We'll see how that goes when it comes in.  In addition, I bought a pair of swim trunks today (with Captain America on them, tyvm) and some shirts at Goodwill.  The boy-wardrobe is growing.

4. Had a, ah, lovely class this morning.  I'm taking health right now so I don't have to do it this fall on top of everything else, and it's just...it's one of those classes.  This morning's assignment was a worksheet on gender roles where we had to list ten male traits and ten female traits, and whether we have any of the traits we listed for the opposite sex.  I word it this way because the damn sheet was worded this way.  Sex does not equal gender, stereotypes are fucking stupid, and there's a lot of middle ground we're ignoring completely in regards to both sex and gender.  I know, like I should be pitching a fit over a stupid worksheet in a stupid gen ed, but it just triggered my dysphoria and made me all shaky and a little freaked out and I really fucking hate this class.  Even the textbook, in the tiny paragraph on transgenderism in the chapter on sexual orientation, uses the example of a transgirl while referring to said fictional transgirl with male pronouns.  This makes me angry.

5. Writing is just not happening lately.  Shittons of RP, but I'm not just...writing.  And that sucks.

6. Hopefully, barring any more postponing, there will be a shopping trip with my buddy very soon, and I'm planning on going boy for that trip.  We'll see how that goes too.

I think that's all the updates we need.  I feel like I should have something more substantial to talk about, but I really don't.

Long Nights Are Long

Sometimes I can feel the levees breaking.

Rarely in my life do I ever get to a point when I don't let myself feel my emotions.  It's not always a good thing, but I thoroughly believe that the best course to take with my own emotions is to let them happen.  If I'm angry, I let myself feel that anger, even if I have to temporarily stopper it to let it out later.  If I'm upset, I go someplace private and I cry.  If I'm happy, you'd better believe everyone around me knows it.  A lot of times, I do subject the people around me to my bad moods, and I do feel bad about that, but I feel like if I try to bottle it up and smile when I just want to scream, I'll go utterly insane.  At heart, I'm a hurricane.  Something has to give.

This is the first time I can remember that I have found myself sitting here knowing a bad mood is coming on, and I can hear the floodgates creaking, ready to burst, and I'm here screaming "no!" in the back of my  mind because I don't want it to happen.  I don't even know why.

And that's twofold confusion--I don't know why I feel this black mood pressing down on me, nor do I know why I feel like I can't just let it happen.

I kind of think the mood itself is just because I'm having a fantabulously dysphoric day.  Today and yesterday have been shit for that--I know I'm in for it when I wake up in the morning and have my hand resting on my breastbone and am wondering what all this soft tissue is, and then I remember that I do still have breasts, and I can't bring myself to get out of bed because as long as I'm lying flat on my back, gravity is doing its part to make me look less like a girl.  I dream so often that I'm free of my feminine characteristics that I often wake disappointed, even for just a few minutes.

The thing is, I'm still not sure if I would change if I had the money to go through surgery.  I don't want any manner of genital surgery, I know that much, because honestly, my ideal body is fine in that regard.  But the secondary characteristics...I think sometimes that I want the top surgery, and I want to go on T, and then I would be okay.  But then I wake up with no dysphoria at all and things are fine for a week or better and I'm okay with my body because I'm just me inside, no gender/body dissonance, even if I still don't fit my ideal.

I've been questioning myself a lot lately, about whether or not I know what I am.  Terms shouldn't matter, but I feel like I need to have a word to describe myself, or a string of words at least.  I like the term trans-masculine.  I don't think I'm a transguy, not fully, but I do feel like the word 'girl' does not fit me.  Nor do I feel I'm purely androgynous or agendered.  It's confusing.  And a little painful.  I hate not knowing things.

And I kind of realise at this point that the reason I'm staving off this mood is because I'm alone right now, because my friends have gone to bed--which I should do too and therefore fault no one for--and I have no one to take this mood out on.  That makes me a horrible person.  I think I'm just now realising that my moods suffer from the "if a tree falls and no one hears it" syndrome; if I'm in a bad mood and it happens when I'm alone, I feel I have no right to complain or talk about it or anything like that.  Which is bullshit, I recognise, but I never said my brain made sense to anyone but me.  This could explain why I always feel like taking out my bad moods by writing.

It's almost always a safe bet that if I'm in a particularly black mood, my characters are going to suffer royally.  So I'm a little bit sadistic.  I can't help it.  It balances out all that masochism.

I think at some point, I need to write an entry solely about what I see when I think of me, about the image I would like to present to the world.  I'm sure someone would find it amusing.  God knows I do in my more lucid moments.

I'm still not feeling any better.  This is why I try not to hold my emotions at bay.  I always feel worse in the end.

I think it's time for ice cream.