This doesn't have a title.

The girl and I had a fight last night.

Now, I don't know what you consider a fight, but what I consider a fight is any discussion in which two people disagree to the point that voices are raised or tones become cold or one or both parties end up crying. This was all three, so I consider it a pretty significant fight, even if it wasn't over anything significant at all, or even over anything either of us wanted to happen. Which I realise is all very vague, but then you have to understand that what I mean is that we were fighting because she needed to leave and go stay someplace that wasn't at my house and she didn't want to leave and I didn't really want her to leave and my being torn about this ended in me yelling at her and her getting upset with me.

You'll be happy to know that things are okay now, because we have this funny way of crying all over each other (on my end, it apparently usually only happens when she's wearing my shirts) and then we cuddle and we're fine. Last night was made all the better by watching videos of adorable puppies and kittens and Green Brothers (we are Nerdfighters, for the curious) on YouTube. And then cuddling. And kissing. And doing all that sort of sickly 'relationship' stuff.

In bigger news, I've been talking with the girl and with Pookie and with Pookie's boy, and we're planning--cross our fingers, knock on wood--on moving into a place of our own by mid-summer. It looks entirely possible. Which is insanely exciting and terrifying.

I've come to learn that you only have to see a therapist for three months according to current standards of healthcare for them to be able to recommend you to start HRT. Now I'm at the dilemma of how to time it out. Which isn't even a very big concern right now because I can't see a therapist until I have my own insurance or the money for regular visits. All in good time.

The name issue and the plural/median issue and the gender-fluid issue and all this other stuff keeps cropping up, but in general, I'm trying to learn to not think about it too much.

Now if you'll excuse me, this is all the update you get since--what, September?--because it's officially Christmas Day, even if it's nearly 3 AM, and I have writing to do before I can even think about sleeping. Reading so late at night (and finishing a book, especially) will tend to do that to my brain.

On names and identity.

I've been thinking a lot about names lately.

Mostly, I feel like if I could just do without a name or pronouns, I would. I am starting to think that my favourite pronoun is "that one", as it's perfectly gender neutral without being a word people are unfamiliar with. (I still like zi and zir. But no one's heard of GNPs.) I don't like "it", and I don't like the singular "they", though that last one might be more appropriate than I had previously thought.

I'm not a multiple. I have characters in my head, to be sure, but they're not alters. They're not really other personalities, though there are times when they come damn close. It's hard to explain. What I am is gender-plural, I think. I've noticed lately that I respond differently to different names depending on the mood I'm in or what gender I feel really fits me from day to day.

This is mostly a product of the fact that my gender is fluid and I've been shifting away from identifying with the name Connor lately, even though it was perfect for a while. I'm not feeling as overtly masculine as I was when I took it on. I'm shifting back towards feeling like a Sarah, though that's still not quite me. I respond to Taylor's name always, even when it's not directed at me. And right now, that's the one that seems to be fitting on and off.

My Bunnie suggested that I just go by Anshin, since it's been my online handle since forever and a half. (Ten years now. Damn.) It still feels too feminine to me, but it is still more me than Saturday, or any of the other names that have come and gone as online handles.

The other day, I was feeling more like an Anthony than a Connor (my full male name is Anthony Connor Evans). It's a different attitude, but still a decidedly masculine one.

My ability to identify with certain names shifts because each name is a different identity to me. Even if it's nothing I can explain, it works. I understand that labels aren't important, so long as you know what you feel inside. But the labels are how you convey that to everyone else. Language can be such a barrier. Labels have meaning that can be explained and traded. And even though names are a sort of label, I kind of feel they're a more personal label, because their individual meaning only makes sense to the person responding to the name. So I feel like my shifts in gender tend to suit names better than labels.

Mind, I still feel more masculine than feminine. My personal fluid chart runs from neutral/androgyne to about 80%masculine. I'm never 100% male inside, and I rarely shift past about 10% feminine. So most of the identities or names I've picked up correlate. I still respond to Sarah because I've had that name for nearly 23 years, so I'm a little attached to it. I respond to Taylor, and Connor, and all manner of other names that belong to me and my characters and whoever else.

I feel like I should start wearing around "Hi, my name is" badges all the time.

Or at least starting conversations with my friends with the phrase "I'm ___ today".

Really, I'm beginning to understand that I'm a very complicated person, and nothing is as easy as putting a label on myself and expecting it to stick. I've always been so fluid in everything. There's no reason this should be any different.