Mostly, I feel like if I could just do without a name or pronouns, I would. I am starting to think that my favourite pronoun is "that one", as it's perfectly gender neutral without being a word people are unfamiliar with. (I still like zi and zir. But no one's heard of GNPs.) I don't like "it", and I don't like the singular "they", though that last one might be more appropriate than I had previously thought.
I'm not a multiple. I have characters in my head, to be sure, but they're not alters. They're not really other personalities, though there are times when they come damn close. It's hard to explain. What I am is gender-plural, I think. I've noticed lately that I respond differently to different names depending on the mood I'm in or what gender I feel really fits me from day to day.
This is mostly a product of the fact that my gender is fluid and I've been shifting away from identifying with the name Connor lately, even though it was perfect for a while. I'm not feeling as overtly masculine as I was when I took it on. I'm shifting back towards feeling like a Sarah, though that's still not quite me. I respond to Taylor's name always, even when it's not directed at me. And right now, that's the one that seems to be fitting on and off.
My Bunnie suggested that I just go by Anshin, since it's been my online handle since forever and a half. (Ten years now. Damn.) It still feels too feminine to me, but it is still more me than Saturday, or any of the other names that have come and gone as online handles.
The other day, I was feeling more like an Anthony than a Connor (my full male name is Anthony Connor Evans). It's a different attitude, but still a decidedly masculine one.
My ability to identify with certain names shifts because each name is a different identity to me. Even if it's nothing I can explain, it works. I understand that labels aren't important, so long as you know what you feel inside. But the labels are how you convey that to everyone else. Language can be such a barrier. Labels have meaning that can be explained and traded. And even though names are a sort of label, I kind of feel they're a more personal label, because their individual meaning only makes sense to the person responding to the name. So I feel like my shifts in gender tend to suit names better than labels.
Mind, I still feel more masculine than feminine. My personal fluid chart runs from neutral/androgyne to about 80%masculine. I'm never 100% male inside, and I rarely shift past about 10% feminine. So most of the identities or names I've picked up correlate. I still respond to Sarah because I've had that name for nearly 23 years, so I'm a little attached to it. I respond to Taylor, and Connor, and all manner of other names that belong to me and my characters and whoever else.
I feel like I should start wearing around "Hi, my name is" badges all the time.
Or at least starting conversations with my friends with the phrase "I'm ___ today".
Really, I'm beginning to understand that I'm a very complicated person, and nothing is as easy as putting a label on myself and expecting it to stick. I've always been so fluid in everything. There's no reason this should be any different.
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