On names and identity.

I've been thinking a lot about names lately.

Mostly, I feel like if I could just do without a name or pronouns, I would. I am starting to think that my favourite pronoun is "that one", as it's perfectly gender neutral without being a word people are unfamiliar with. (I still like zi and zir. But no one's heard of GNPs.) I don't like "it", and I don't like the singular "they", though that last one might be more appropriate than I had previously thought.

I'm not a multiple. I have characters in my head, to be sure, but they're not alters. They're not really other personalities, though there are times when they come damn close. It's hard to explain. What I am is gender-plural, I think. I've noticed lately that I respond differently to different names depending on the mood I'm in or what gender I feel really fits me from day to day.

This is mostly a product of the fact that my gender is fluid and I've been shifting away from identifying with the name Connor lately, even though it was perfect for a while. I'm not feeling as overtly masculine as I was when I took it on. I'm shifting back towards feeling like a Sarah, though that's still not quite me. I respond to Taylor's name always, even when it's not directed at me. And right now, that's the one that seems to be fitting on and off.

My Bunnie suggested that I just go by Anshin, since it's been my online handle since forever and a half. (Ten years now. Damn.) It still feels too feminine to me, but it is still more me than Saturday, or any of the other names that have come and gone as online handles.

The other day, I was feeling more like an Anthony than a Connor (my full male name is Anthony Connor Evans). It's a different attitude, but still a decidedly masculine one.

My ability to identify with certain names shifts because each name is a different identity to me. Even if it's nothing I can explain, it works. I understand that labels aren't important, so long as you know what you feel inside. But the labels are how you convey that to everyone else. Language can be such a barrier. Labels have meaning that can be explained and traded. And even though names are a sort of label, I kind of feel they're a more personal label, because their individual meaning only makes sense to the person responding to the name. So I feel like my shifts in gender tend to suit names better than labels.

Mind, I still feel more masculine than feminine. My personal fluid chart runs from neutral/androgyne to about 80%masculine. I'm never 100% male inside, and I rarely shift past about 10% feminine. So most of the identities or names I've picked up correlate. I still respond to Sarah because I've had that name for nearly 23 years, so I'm a little attached to it. I respond to Taylor, and Connor, and all manner of other names that belong to me and my characters and whoever else.

I feel like I should start wearing around "Hi, my name is" badges all the time.

Or at least starting conversations with my friends with the phrase "I'm ___ today".

Really, I'm beginning to understand that I'm a very complicated person, and nothing is as easy as putting a label on myself and expecting it to stick. I've always been so fluid in everything. There's no reason this should be any different.

On semi-fresh starts.

Not quite a clean slate, but I'll take what I can get.

I've emailed all of my professors officially coming out as trans so that they'll get my name and pronouns right. Of the five I've emailed, I've heard back from three, and they are all totally cool with this and seem nothing but helpful.  Problems may arise if I find I'm in class with lots of people I know, which given I'm a senior and am pretty much locked into my major/minor field classes, I probably will be.

My Bunnie was here for two weeks and headed back to N.C. about a week ago; she was supposed to only stay ten days, but ended up having to reschedule her flight because of a snafu with her boarding pass.  I wasn't complaining.  Neither was she.  We spent our surprise time after the airport trip fell through sharing lunch at Red Lobster and going to Barnes and Noble.  It was excellent.  As much as I love the idea of her being my girlfriend, I like her being my girlfriend in real life even more--I love the fact that we can hold hands, that we can kiss, that I can have her in my arms and everything feels so right with the world.  I've wanted this for way too long.  Of course I'm taking advantage of it.  I miss her, but I'm okay with her being gone this time, because she has her cell phone, which means I can call her without it being long-distance, we can text each other, and she has internet access, so it's like she's not really that far away.  Besides.  I'll see her again in a month when the Vampire group goes to New Orleans.

Speaking of vampires, I'm getting my fangs.  The binder is working out excellently, and now another piece of my identity should be falling into place soon.  I love the fact that my mom understands roleplay and what it means to me; she actually told me tonight that she doesn't get moms who don't get roleplay and that it's harmless and fun and we're just enjoying ourselves.  I love my mother.

Classes start tomorrow, and I'm all kinds of nervous about it.  This is the first time I'll have gone out in public actually presenting male with people knowing I'm presenting and people who know to call me Connor, and who know that I'm a guy, more or less.  I'm terrified.  It's kind of been triggering my dysphoria tonight, because I'm in a panic about looking perfect tomorrow, even though looking the part is only half the battle.  I did cut my hair again, though.  Hopefully it'll dry straight and fall right tomorrow and I'll just get lucky.  I've been PMSing for nearly a week now, so you just watch me hit my Lunar Cycle tomorrow and fuck everything up.  It'll be great.  And typical.

And on the subject of people calling me Connor.  I love my friends.  The girl's learning to call me Connor, my best friend Pookie was the first to make the switch and has been doing so consistently. (She also, after a fact, came up with the term 'chickadude'.  This is the same person who says that since I'm still fairly genderqueer, I'm a Transformer, as in the robots, and that if I'm dressed like a girl, I'm a drag racer instead of a queen.  She is the best at ridiculous gender-neutral terms.)  And my Foxy Lady has also been pretty consistent and awesome.  My Lil Sis has started calling me her Big Bro.  And I'll get my Badger to play along eventually.  No worries.  All in all?  Pretty damn good bunch of people, these guys are.

It's two in the morning and I am really damn sleep deprived.  I think I'm going to attempt to write for a bit and probably end up crashing the hell out.  Here's to tomorrow morning.