You Are Here

1. I started a Facebook page under a new name.  A male name.  One that I think I might want to start going by. This lead to a Talk from a friend that kind of left me a little shaky.  She means well.  She always does.  But my experiences are my own, the rest be damned; I hate to be so black and white about it, but if people have a problem with me creating a damn Facebook page under a male name, I really don't need to be friends with them in the first place.  Advice seconded by another friend of mine.  Perhaps these aren't things I should talk about openly, but I'm tired of being afraid and unsure, and all I want is some fucking support, and it hurts when all I get in return is people doing what feels like trying to talk me out of doing all this exploring.

2. Really missing the girl right now.  She's sick in another state and homesick on top of that, and that's making me miss her all the more, because I'm tired of sleeping alone and I want to make her better.  I always want to make her better, though, so that's nothing new.  I just really want someone to cuddle and watch movies or Iron Chef America with right now.  Stupid things like that.

3. Ordered my first binder today.  We'll see how that goes when it comes in.  In addition, I bought a pair of swim trunks today (with Captain America on them, tyvm) and some shirts at Goodwill.  The boy-wardrobe is growing.

4. Had a, ah, lovely class this morning.  I'm taking health right now so I don't have to do it this fall on top of everything else, and it's just...it's one of those classes.  This morning's assignment was a worksheet on gender roles where we had to list ten male traits and ten female traits, and whether we have any of the traits we listed for the opposite sex.  I word it this way because the damn sheet was worded this way.  Sex does not equal gender, stereotypes are fucking stupid, and there's a lot of middle ground we're ignoring completely in regards to both sex and gender.  I know, like I should be pitching a fit over a stupid worksheet in a stupid gen ed, but it just triggered my dysphoria and made me all shaky and a little freaked out and I really fucking hate this class.  Even the textbook, in the tiny paragraph on transgenderism in the chapter on sexual orientation, uses the example of a transgirl while referring to said fictional transgirl with male pronouns.  This makes me angry.

5. Writing is just not happening lately.  Shittons of RP, but I'm not just...writing.  And that sucks.

6. Hopefully, barring any more postponing, there will be a shopping trip with my buddy very soon, and I'm planning on going boy for that trip.  We'll see how that goes too.

I think that's all the updates we need.  I feel like I should have something more substantial to talk about, but I really don't.

Things Are Getting Better

Things have happened in the last few months.

One: I've started to be really comfortable with calling myself 'trans' more than 'queer', which I think is a real step forward, because it's more...me.  I'm still queer.  And I'll still be genderqueer even if I do transition--it's possible, I've decided (discovered?) to be FtM and still be genderqueer.  So I'm thinking of myself now as transmasculine, if not quite a transman.  It fits.  And I'm okay with this.

Two: Because of this, I've started going out in public in boy-mode lately.  Not all the time, because it's Arkansas, and it's summer, and it's damn hot to bind all the time, but enough.  I'm okay with it.  I'm not freaked about binding and even packing in public.  I'm starting to buy more boy clothes for occasions like this.  I bought a nice short-sleeve plaid button down the other day that'll be much more comfortable in the summer than a long-sleeve with the sleeves rolled up.  I think I'm gonna go get a pair of khaki cargo shorts soon, too, to go with it.  Which is kind of a big deal for me; I haven't worn shorts in years.  Mostly because I don't shave my legs, and I'm self-conscious about it because I'm still publicly female and therefore still expected to shave.  That said...I think it'll help me pass if I do decide to wear shorts.  I'm getting some swim trunks, too.  And, obviously, a women's swim tank, but that's mostly because it's necessary.  The swim shorts have me stupidly excited, though.  The clothing and the binding and the presenting as a boy has been really freeing.

Three: My Bunnie, my bestest bestie, is now officially my girlfriend.  This happened a couple of weeks ago, but hell.  I've been busy.  Anyway.  She told me on the phone one night--and yes, she's still away, still not home, but it's okay--that she's figured out in all this time away from me that she really is in love with me.  And we're already planning our wedding, which really, we might as well have been doing all along.

So that's my update on life right now.  I'm settling into my identity and excited about being officially in a relationship.  Next step is probably realising that this apparently makes me a straight man, which I find hilarious in so many ways.  Of all the things I never thought I would grow up to be.