So first of all, let's talk names. I am no longer an Anthony or a Connor. Hell, after spending a semester getting bitched at by the name Connor, I kinda don't wanna hear that name ever again. The name I've picked out now is Sawyer. It's sticking. I've decided that I want to keep my initials, because they've always been initials I am fond of (SEC, and I'm a Hogs football fan, you do the math), so now all I have to do is come up with a middle name. That's...harder than it sounds.
I asked my mom tonight whether she knew if I was going to be a boy or a girl when I was born. She said no, that she didn't wanna know for me or my brother. I then asked her if I would have had my brother's name had I been a boy; he's named after our grandfathers. She said no, that if I'd been a boy, she would have named me David Michael. I always did like the name David. I considered both of these names, actually. I don't think I'm going to use either of them, but...it's something I've always wondered, and the subject came up tonight.
My gender is getting weird. I've joined Bigender.net finally, after months and months of debating. I'm getting to the point where my gender isn't something I flip out about. It's just...there. I think about it a lot more than any cisgender person would, but at this point, it's not all-consuming for me. I know I want a more boyish body. I'm rethinking whether I wanna try and get on T, because the things I don't want are pretty fairly balanced with the things I do, so that makes the decision tough. I know I eventually do want top surgery still, though. That's a for-sure; I want a flat chest. I know my sex is more masculine-androgynous than feminine-androgynous. My gender...it's all over the place. And I'm okay with that.
I've told at least a couple of my friends that I'm okay with them using whichever names and pronouns they want to with me. I go by so many names, it doesn't much matter. It's kind of a selective list, though--the ones who have tried the hardest to keep up with my name and gender and pronouns, the ones who have been there and who have supported me, they're the ones who I don't care what they call me. Those who have never tried, who still call me by my female name and by female pronouns, well. They can learn to call me what I've ASKED they call me, or they can GTFO. (My friends call me male pronouns around these people just to keep the confusion to a minimum, in case you were wondering.) I know it's a complicated situation, but I don't feel my gender is exactly male or female or androgyne or neutral or anything else, and I'm still learning, so it's more comfortable to me for people to call me what they want instead of worrying, but only those who understand all I've tried to explain and learn about my own gender.
Maybe I'm being picky or bitchy. That's okay.
In unrelated news, I finished my damn thesis and presented it on Friday. I hope it went well. I really honestly have no idea. I'm just glad I can stop stressing and go back to writing whatever I want instead of worrying about having to write this ONE THING every moment of my life.
Forums are taking over my life (er, again?) and Tumblr is keeping me busy. I'm even getting bad at updating Twitter, so no promises on when the next post here at my 'real' blog will be.
